seriously. all of you people who were thinking “karen/max will spend this year teaching and she’ll realize how satisfying it is and how much she loves it and then she’ll have a career and a job and the rest of her life sorted out” you can just climb back on your magic carpet and take a ride through your fantasy world because teaching sucks.
it’s difficult and I’m not good at it and I don’t get any sort of satisfied feeling when one of my students actually grasps a concept. I feel relieved that I can now stop the lesson and go do something interesting. the only thing I have going for me is patience, and I don’t even have that with some people (one guy I actually physically hide from when he comes in so that I don’t have to tutor him, I just can’t handle it). I don’t know what I’m doing. I can’t teach reading to people because I never was taught how to read so I have no idea how a normal person learns. I can push my way through an algebra lesson but even then my students spend the majority of the lesson confused. addition and subtraction? forget about it. I cannot sit for an hour and watch you carry ones and borrow from zeros. it makes me go crazy and then I can’t sleep at night because I feel guilty for being such a horrible teacher. I know that I am a bad teacher. I am one of those teachers that knows the material but can’t communicate the information to anyone else. or that assumes that something is common knowledge when it isn’t. I’ve had those teachers and I hated them and now I am one.
I do, however, like my job (now you’re saying “how the crap does that work?”). I like my bosses, the brothers. they’re nice and fun and actually interested in my well-being and normal not just nosy and overbearing like the nuns tend to be. bro bob complimented my for being able to do everything he asks of me. I told him I’m really good at faking like I know things. he laughed and gave me more work to do. he always asks if I like what I’m doing and if I’m happy with my job and he’s actually interested in the answer, like if I say no he doesn’t have me do that task anymore. I learn a lot from the brothers about how to interact with people. I like the students and clients that come in. I like talking to them about their lives, I like hearing their opinions during our reading group discussions, I like learning about why they came to Mercy Connections (or the US) in the first place, I like encouraging them to keep going. they’re very cool people. I like the other people that work there, Ms. Lee makes me crack up, Essie and Ron are totally nuts but in a good way, Annette speaks spanish with me and compliments my eating habits, Mary Ann and Laurena work constantly without any regard to what the crazy white people are up to now, Dorothy and Donna back in their cubicle giggling and then yelling at me to come see what’s so funny. I like having projects and completing them. I like learning new skills. I like when the students bring food for each other to share and when they help each other out.
basically, I like everything but teaching.